I’m an older gent, 58, and am now currently going through a divorce from my wife of 16 years.  We’ve been together 21 years total.  Long time.  I’m currently navigating worlds I never thought I would at an age where I thought I would be settled. It’s everything you think it would be: scary, isolating, adrift, depressing and highly anxiety-inducing.  

For those who have gone through the same thing, how did you get to the other side? I don’t even see the river’s edge let alone a shoreline. 

I went thru it in my forties, out of left field. What I remember after the initial whirlwind of emotions was that I needed a plan, a goal if you will. I had to have something at the other end of this. Diving hard into work only gets you thru half the day so keeping it together around our children was key. Our kids was my focus, found a place near their school and was heavily involved in their after school activities. That kept me sane and grounded, that was the plan. The divorce bullshit fell into place and went thru it like I was buying a car. Though we were completely amicable and that surely relieves a lot of stress.

All together a 3 month ordeal, but I kept my eye on that goal.  

My ex had decided after a particularly bad argument (or me acting like a toddlerish asshole, depending on your perception) the day before mother's day mother's day that she had had enough and wanted a divorce.  No possibility of counseling, just "I'm done." When it first happened I was stunned.  It took a couple of weeks to accept it was happening, and then I started drinking a lot.  That quickly caused problems so I quit.  I was just so angry.

The divorce was final in September of that year, but due to finances, we continued to live together until February of the following year when our house sold.  Our daughter was 17 at the time, and was always the most loved and most important person in both of our lives.  She went to live with her mother after we split.

Post divorce I worked really hard to reconnect with my daughter.  She came to live with me after about a year of living with her mom, and our relationship is still really good.  Now she splits her time between my house and her partner's family's house, and they're getting ready to get a place of their own.

I've been happier post divorce than I was throughout the last few years of our marriage.  The strife was gone and the anger eventually just melted away.  My ex and I were both careful to remain civil for our daughter's sake, even when neither of us felt like it.  We both still wanted to be able to discuss the good parts of our 25 years together.

I've always been an introvert, so I've enjoyed being single and don't have any interest in seeking out any kind of companionship.  Even with supporting my kid, I have a lot more disposable income than I did when I was married, so that helps too.  I got back into comics in a big way after the divorce, which continues to be an excellent distraction.

So I guess my advice is that while it's hard to see now things will get better.  If it isn't plain now, there are reasons for the divorce, the end result will likely be better than the current situation, and hopefully you end up on the other side in a happier place.  Find things you enjoy to distract yourself while that process works itself out.

The actual divorce process itself was the easiest side of the whole thing - mainly because I conceded everything just to get out. Of course, the lawyers want conflict!

There were certainly times when the anxiety levels were unbearable and I couldn't see an end, but you will get there. That bad marriage rocked me for quite a while, and I swore that I would never get hitched again.

I'm now twenty-four years on from my decree absolute, and have been married to a wonderful woman for the last five and a bit years.

As tough as it seems right now - you will get there. Best of luck.

My parents split when I was 5, it happened to me when my son was just 4, and my brother and one of my sisters has also been through it. It's not a pleasant thing, but my point is that you DO get through it.

At 58 you still have a life ahead of you.

Best of luck!

Individuals who are divorcing will often be too emotional to make clear-headed decisions and navigating the law can be undoubtedly confusing, frustrating, and sometimes perilous, so please make sure you have a (very) good lawyer whom you like and trust and who listens to you but also can be completely honest with you to always advocate for and attempt to protect your best interests throughout the process in all matters big and small.

In our 60-ish age bracket, we have to do everything to maintain our health because divorce is never not stressful but it can wreak havoc on our older bodies and minds. Exercise, eat regularly, and get adequate sleep even when it feels impossible. Reach out to family and friends. (And if need be, professional help too.)

This is a painful chapter in your life story, but it's only a chapter, not the whole book. Time is the great healer. Things will get better.

Wishing you the very best...!

If you have children, no matter the age, resist any urge to talk about your ex, even if asked.  It is too soon, to fresh.

It will get better, but you might lose some weight along the way.  It just happens.

Just take care of yourself.

Editied for spelling.

I guess a lot depends on the details of any split. There is a huge difference in two people simply growing apart compared to a third party being involved or a traumatic, unforgiveable event.

I was married at 29 and divorced at 30 (I think the divorce was finalized on the one year wedding anniversary). We had been together for 6 years I think. Wasn't perfect but I was in love, thought that's what love was, anyway. She cheated on me with several women, one of them being a coworker. Broke me in many ways, not just as a human being but a man as well. 

This December will be 10 years since the divorce. I'm now happily remarried and we're building a good life together.

The feeling of isolation is real. If you have the energy for it, I suggest a good therapist, something I wish I had done at the time. Lean on your support systems.

In the immediacy of everything it feels overwhelming and devastating. Time really helped, honestly. The further I got from it the less it hurt. Now, it all feels like a lifetime ago.